When we leave what we love

How to overcome regret and resentment, restore inner peace and balance

There are many different situations in life when we have to make a difficult decision to leave someone or something we love, i.e. a person, an activity, a place, etc. It’s impossible to come up with a universal formula to find out the correctness of the chosen decisions. Sometimes it is only years later that life proves that the separation was the only right decision, albeit a painful one. But often we are haunted by regret and resentment for years, tormented by the question of how life would have turned out if something/someone had changed in those complicated circumstances and we had not had to be separated from the things or people that were so dear to us.

Leaving something you don’t love is one thing, but leaving something you love in the hope that you can come back if something changes is a catalyst whose meaning is either not understood or not properly processed. Please note that we are not talking about cases where someone loves (or thinks they love) their abuser and is looking for an excuse to go back to them. A more appropriate example would be a situation in which we really love a certain activity, but, let’s say, because of tensions with others involved in it, we decide to give up the thing that made our heart sing, that made us greet each new day with joy and go to bed with a feeling of gratitude and satisfaction. And now that we have given up that love of our life because of some external circumstances, we feel a void in our lives that nothing else can fill. And sometimes we think, “Oh, if only something or someone would change and we could go back!”

This point is the key to processing this catalyst in such a way that you can free yourself from such regrets and achieve an inner peace that is not dependent on circumstances. As a starting point for this inner work, it is necessary to thoroughly and honestly answer the question of why you are unable to return: what emotions, thoughts, judgments, memories, fears, desires, ambitions, etc. are preventing you from returning to what you love?

In your attempt to answer this question, you will probably first try to point to external circumstances as the cause of this separation. But this approach will not help you resolve your own inner conflict, your own inner drama: after all, the only thing we can change in this life is ourselves. Therefore, every time you try to point to something external as the cause of your separation, you need to bring the focus of your attention back to the area of your own inner world: What exactly, which string in your inner world is being pulled by this unfavorable circumstance-obstacle or by this person who you believe is guilty for your separation from the love of your life? And only by finding the specific traits of your own character, your inherent patterns of thought and behavior, your sensitive spots, your memories of past traumas, your biases and judgments, etc., will it be possible to understand what actually stands between you and your favorite activity/person/place.

Now, to stop being tormented by this loss, there are two main ways out. The first one is to accept everything as it is and find inner peace with the way things are. In order to do this, every time you feel regret about the lost love of your life, instead of pointing the finger at external circumstances and/or other people, with a sense of honor and respect for your personality, recognize yourself as the one responsible for the current state of affairs.

The reasoning behind this is as follows: in theory you have the possibility to return (the only thing that cannot be reversed is death), but you do not go back because you feel/think/disagree/fear/dislike this or that. At the same time, you respect those biases/traits in yourself that keep you from returning, because you see them as necessary and useful. So now, every time another regret arises about what you have lost, you do not go into a dead end of negative thoughts about someone or something external, but instead you reclaim what you thought you had lost – your free will to make your own decisions about the current situation: whether to leave everything as it is or to return. You become the only true owner of your own situation, and this understanding empowers you to make peace with yourself and the external environment. Now, when the power of decision is entirely yours, and you again consciously choose not to return, you clearly understand that you are doing so out of respect and acceptance of certain aspects of your personality. And by working through this situation again and again in this way, you will finally be able to make peace with yourself and with the way things are at this point in time.

And the second solution applies to situations where the personal traits/beliefs/biases that you have identified as preventing you from returning to something/someone you love are something that you see as interfering with your life. So, in this case, you are ready to change these traits of your personality, or in other words, you are choosing to take a step toward personal transformation. Most likely, by making this choice, you’re taking a direction that will at least lead you to what you love, but on a qualitatively new level. In addition, this transformational work will eventually lead to the transformation of your entire life, as layers of your inner self that were previously inaccessible will be reached and healed. This will definitely have a beneficial effect on many different areas of your life, not just the area where you started your inner work.

But transformational work is not easy, it requires continuous and prolonged effort. However, the first solution also requires a long-term conscious effort, and it can rightly be called transformational because it transforms your perception of the situation and puts the power/responsibility for your life in your own hands – the transformation that has enormous potential. Which of the two suggested approaches you choose depends entirely on you and your situation, but the main point is that the result of either solution should lead to the restoration of your inner peace, balance and harmony.

To begin, you need to honestly and thoroughly answer the question of what it is within you that prevents you from returning to the activity, place, and perhaps the person you love.